So here I am in a not so good mood.. Lately I've been having a lot of these moods =/ Like constantly. And I'm just sick of life at the moment. Harsh? Yep. I wish I could just fast-forward a few months when I would have figured all this shit out and maybe get back to my normal self. But I know that's not gonna happen and I just have to face the fact that I have to deal with everything and not keep running away from it. Although I don't see myself doing that anytime soon.. Which sucks. Cos I really want to deal with stuff but I just can't. It hurts too much. The more I run away from it, things are just gonna keep piling up and there will come a point where I'll break down eventually. The thing is, I keep everything to myself and act like everything's all fine when in reality it's not. And I comfort others and appear strong when really, I'm hurting inside. I've just become a person that keeps everything to herself cos I don't want everyone to know my stuff. I guess I don't want to look weak either.. And the more I want to open up I just can't. Believe me, I've tried.
The worst part is I've shut God out.. Yet again. I can't seem to do enough of that can I? It's like its become a pattern in my life. When times get hard instead of turning to God I turn away from Him and try to deal with everything myself. Which really isn't right but I can't help it =/ I know that God's supposed to be with you especially in hard times, but I just don't feel it. I feel as though he's left me stranded. But that's the confusing part; deep inside I know He's with me but it's like I'm not believing it? Scrap that. It doesn't even make sense. I just feel alone at this point.. I keep listening to "When The Tears Fall" and a line that struck me is: "When the laughter fails to comfort; when my heart aches, Lord are you there?"
Another thing I've noticed is I get totally caught up in other (sometimes pointless) things to run away from reality. Like TV shows. Man do I watch loads of series! At the moment I'm hooked on One Tree Hill. But that's besides the point. What I mean is that I kind of put all my attention on these shows and I sort of fantasise on what life could be. Even though I know that reality is nothing like what's shown on TV, but I still kind of live in a fantasy world just so I won't have to deal with the real crap.
I see myself changing for the worse. I feel as though I can't stop it. I really hate the person I'm becoming. I just want to be myself and stop changing for people. I do that quite a lot. I turn into the person that I think they want me to be. But that's where I'm wrong. I think that they want me to be that person, but it won't be the case. It's all in my head. I realise I do it a lot when I'm around a group of people. When I'm with 1 person I'm fine(ish). Well let's just say that in that case I don't change as much.
I think that's all I need to say for now.. Thanks to anyone who's been trying to help..
And if you've arrived till the end, well I really dunno how you managed to read through this rather depressing blog.
xoxo
APRIL?!!
13 years ago
5 comments:
i do understand some points uve said, cause ive passed through them too la! ure really not alone, dear.. but today i read this which really struck me:
" We are often afraid to be alone. Afraid of what we may discover about ourselves when we stop long enough to be still. Afraid of the insecurities and sins that still lurk within us even though we have tried so hard to sublimate them. Afraid to face our insignificance, lack of fulfillment, and the eventuality of our death. And afraid to face the lack of closure and resolution of issues that we have tried so hard to square away.
Yet we need to be alone. For we need to rediscover ourselves as much as we need to bask in the search-light of God's love and light - to face our pain and lack of resolution with new hope and faith. In learning to be alone and still, we make a way to meet God with openness and honesty. It is there we can rediscover that we cannot blame others or live in unreality.
Henri Nouwen speaks of the importance of experiencing a loneliness "that cannot be removed by any other sinful human being." [Heart Speaks to Heart p.21] For it is not to others that we should first of all turn; instead, we should create the necessary space to meet with God Himself. While we may fear this place of quietness and openness, it is the only road that will lead to new life. For from new insights come new motivations, which give us new strength, and this will only come when we are loved, sheltered, and affirmed, as well as corrected by the One who truly knows and loves us. "
maybe some of it wont apply for you, i dunno.. but like the thing wic really hit home was d one of loneliness, where were afraid to stay alone cz we mite get to know some stuff about ourselves.. but why dont u stay alone wid God? even if u dont feel like, why dont u go up to Him and sincerely and genuinely ask Him for His help? He'll give u abundantly!! seriously.. if u would just ask!! talk to Him, i think He's d only one who cud really help u la! cz we mite all tell u wat u could do, but now its up to u :) but i think He's d one who's really able to embrace u wid such greaat love!!!
take care dear
xxxxx
:)
hope ive helped u in some way!!
Hey laa...
maria angela almost said it all. I too understand what you're passing through. I pass through it too sometimes... now far less than I used to though.
I too have the tendancy of forgetting about myself and focusing on others instead, partly as an escape and partly coz i d truly care about others. And yes, when times do get hard my first instinct is to leave God aside and do things myself my way, mostly to prove to myself that I truly AM worth something. However when I eventually fail, it feels twice as worse!
The truth is however, believe it or not, deep inside us we have that same power that raised Jesus from the dead! But the power is only found in God! "all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13. What people really want to see in you is actually the person you are in Christ! **confusing mcuh** let me explain: everyday we live life in our own human way, with situations and feelings and emotions that just take over our being! BUT... when we live life in Christ, asking Him to take over our whole being, and asking Him to complete us, then we become the persons we're truly supposed to be. and even if our friends believe in God or not, the person they seek is YOURSELF... your TRUE SELF which is only found in God!
As mar said, we are scared of alone time because it is at that time that we connect with ourselves. We are scared of getting to know ourselves and of discovering our failures and bad habits, our sins, our fears. What we fail to consider are the GOOD things about discovering ourselves! Our dreams, our talents, our qualities, our gifts!!!
Laa... i truly do encourage you to seek God, and ask Him to help you discover who you really are. Its not an easy task, but God, and only God, will give you the strength to do it!!!!
Gbu sweet...!! Hope this helped!! ;)
We all pass through this phase love.. and i have myself gone through all this.. and now that your in sen5 with O's coming it only get's worse sometimes.. sry about being harsh but i'v been through it so i understand you.. turning to God in these situations is the hardest thing but knowing that He's there and your not trying is even harder i know.. but dw, He only give's u what u can handle and i'm sure you can handle whatever your going through.. i do it a lot to. turn to books and tv programmes and imagine them as my life.. twighlight ftw...xD
i'm always here for you and so is God.. you dn't need to try to hard but just saying thanks and a few small words to Him throughout your day always help love believe me when i say that xoxo
hey babe i read ure blog obviously or else i wont be commentin..
this is not the lara i knew.. when u used to speak to me u opened up so much and got everythin out and bcos of that u were happy.. happier than now thats for sure :(
my darling u cant just decide to keep everythin to yourself .. i mean then wat are friends for if not for comfort and help?... in the end ure just gonna end up more depressed than ever, thinkin about how tv shows' life can become yours.. and believe me whatever u watch cant become a reality .. its impossible and made up. u might take a while to day-dream about it but no im tellin u straight its fake..
and now about ure silliness with God.. u wonder why has he done this to me.. well i can give u the answer for that.. ure prob wonderin she can?.. yes i can.. its becos he wants u to learn .. learn about how tough life actually is.. hes there u know right beside u, just not spoon feeding u all the answers to ur questions.. u have to get through your life learning from our mistakes this is why God has left u in the dark.. (not quite in the dark as i sed before) Everyone has to go through all this..its ure time to sit in the dark and figure out who u really are and get to grip with wat to do, how and when, so get thinking missy!
im here if u need me im just a phone call or a click away.. im still tryin to figure out wat my life has in store for me cos mine does to suck .. like really bad but ive learnt to keep my head up high and get through it ! which is what u should be doin right now.
take care muffin and call me when u need me !
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hey babe i read ure blog obviously or else i wont be commentin..
this is not the lara i knew.. when u used to speak to me u opened up so much and got everythin out and bcos of that u were happy.. happier than now thats for sure :(
my darling u cant just decide to keep everythin to yourself .. i mean then wat are friends for if not for comfort and help?... in the end ure just gonna end up more depressed than ever, thinkin about how tv shows' life can become yours.. and believe me whatever u watch cant become a reality .. its impossible and made up. u might take a while to day-dream about it but no im tellin u straight its fake..
and now about ure silliness with God.. u wonder why has he done this to me.. well i can give u the answer for that.. ure prob wonderin she can?.. yes i can.. its becos he wants u to learn .. learn about how tough life actually is.. hes there u know right beside u, just not spoon feeding u all the answers to ur questions.. u have to get through your life learning from our mistakes this is why God has left u in the dark.. (not quite in the dark as i sed before) Everyone has to go through all this..its ure time to sit in the dark and figure out who u really are and get to grip with wat to do, how and when, so get thinking missy!
im here if u need me im just a phone call or a click away.. im still tryin to figure out wat my life has in store for me cos mine does to suck .. like really bad but ive learnt to keep my head up high and get through it ! which is what u should be doin right now.
take care muffin and call me when u need me !
Beksss ure beloved monitor ;)
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