Depressing Much?

So here I am in a not so good mood.. Lately I've been having a lot of these moods =/ Like constantly. And I'm just sick of life at the moment. Harsh? Yep. I wish I could just fast-forward a few months when I would have figured all this shit out and maybe get back to my normal self. But I know that's not gonna happen and I just have to face the fact that I have to deal with everything and not keep running away from it. Although I don't see myself doing that anytime soon.. Which sucks. Cos I really want to deal with stuff but I just can't. It hurts too much. The more I run away from it, things are just gonna keep piling up and there will come a point where I'll break down eventually. The thing is, I keep everything to myself and act like everything's all fine when in reality it's not. And I comfort others and appear strong when really, I'm hurting inside. I've just become a person that keeps everything to herself cos I don't want everyone to know my stuff. I guess I don't want to look weak either.. And the more I want to open up I just can't. Believe me, I've tried.
The worst part is I've shut God out.. Yet again. I can't seem to do enough of that can I? It's like its become a pattern in my life. When times get hard instead of turning to God I turn away from Him and try to deal with everything myself. Which really isn't right but I can't help it =/ I know that God's supposed to be with you especially in hard times, but I just don't feel it. I feel as though he's left me stranded. But that's the confusing part; deep inside I know He's with me but it's like I'm not believing it? Scrap that. It doesn't even make sense. I just feel alone at this point.. I keep listening to "When The Tears Fall" and a line that struck me is: "When the laughter fails to comfort; when my heart aches, Lord are you there?"

Another thing I've noticed is I get totally caught up in other (sometimes pointless) things to run away from reality. Like TV shows. Man do I watch loads of series! At the moment I'm hooked on One Tree Hill. But that's besides the point. What I mean is that I kind of put all my attention on these shows and I sort of fantasise on what life could be. Even though I know that reality is nothing like what's shown on TV, but I still kind of live in a fantasy world just so I won't have to deal with the real crap.

I see myself changing for the worse. I feel as though I can't stop it. I really hate the person I'm becoming. I just want to be myself and stop changing for people. I do that quite a lot. I turn into the person that I think they want me to be. But that's where I'm wrong. I think that they want me to be that person, but it won't be the case. It's all in my head. I realise I do it a lot when I'm around a group of people. When I'm with 1 person I'm fine(ish). Well let's just say that in that case I don't change as much.

I think that's all I need to say for now.. Thanks to anyone who's been trying to help..

And if you've arrived till the end, well I really dunno how you managed to read through this rather depressing blog.

xoxo