It's Been A While..

Wow, it's been a while since my last blog.

Well, lately I've been thinking about my lack of self-confidence. Lack of self-confidence has always been a huge issue for me, but lately I'm just seeing it more than ever. I feel as though I'm always overshadowed by other people. They'll be all jolly and out there while I'll just be standing there. And inside I say, "But how on EARTH can they manage to act like that when it's such an issue for me?" I wish I could just be like that. When someone passes a really silly comment like, "Ajma loosen up", they don't realise how hard it actually is for some people. So guys, before passing comments that put down people's spirits, can you just think before? You think I WANT to lack self-confidence? It's just how I am. I know I'm gonna have to change eventually but it's gonna take time. I wish I had even an ounce of self-confidence, but I don't. Everytime I try to come out of my shell, I stop and think, "What if people don't like this side of me?" so I just go back to my usual self.
That's another thing about me. I really have to stop worrying about what people think of me. It's something I worry about way too much. I dunno, I just hope that I'll get over these things; but I'm making progress slowly.

I don't even know what I just said makes any sense cos it's just so hard to put what I feel into words..

On another note, I'm totally happy that mocks are over on Wednesday! 2 more and I'm free! =D Free for another 2 weeks that is. Cos I have to start studying all over again for O levels. I seriously can't wait for these few months to be over. 3 weeks of mocks KILLED me, so I wonder how O's are gonna be.

At the moment I'm in LOVE with Jack's Mannequin. (It's a band for those of you who don't know =P) It's basically the solo project of this guy, Andrew McMahon. His story really touched me. He was diagnosed with leukemia a few years ago. He fought till the very end and was cured :) Everytime I think of giving up on something, I think about this guy and how much he struggled and didn't give up, and it helps me to keep on fighting. Some of his lyrics are inspired by the period when he was sick and they're just wow. I can really relate to his music. So guys, download songs nooooow! xD I swear, they're AMAZING!

Anyway, I'll leave you with 2 of their songs :)

Depressing Much?

So here I am in a not so good mood.. Lately I've been having a lot of these moods =/ Like constantly. And I'm just sick of life at the moment. Harsh? Yep. I wish I could just fast-forward a few months when I would have figured all this shit out and maybe get back to my normal self. But I know that's not gonna happen and I just have to face the fact that I have to deal with everything and not keep running away from it. Although I don't see myself doing that anytime soon.. Which sucks. Cos I really want to deal with stuff but I just can't. It hurts too much. The more I run away from it, things are just gonna keep piling up and there will come a point where I'll break down eventually. The thing is, I keep everything to myself and act like everything's all fine when in reality it's not. And I comfort others and appear strong when really, I'm hurting inside. I've just become a person that keeps everything to herself cos I don't want everyone to know my stuff. I guess I don't want to look weak either.. And the more I want to open up I just can't. Believe me, I've tried.
The worst part is I've shut God out.. Yet again. I can't seem to do enough of that can I? It's like its become a pattern in my life. When times get hard instead of turning to God I turn away from Him and try to deal with everything myself. Which really isn't right but I can't help it =/ I know that God's supposed to be with you especially in hard times, but I just don't feel it. I feel as though he's left me stranded. But that's the confusing part; deep inside I know He's with me but it's like I'm not believing it? Scrap that. It doesn't even make sense. I just feel alone at this point.. I keep listening to "When The Tears Fall" and a line that struck me is: "When the laughter fails to comfort; when my heart aches, Lord are you there?"

Another thing I've noticed is I get totally caught up in other (sometimes pointless) things to run away from reality. Like TV shows. Man do I watch loads of series! At the moment I'm hooked on One Tree Hill. But that's besides the point. What I mean is that I kind of put all my attention on these shows and I sort of fantasise on what life could be. Even though I know that reality is nothing like what's shown on TV, but I still kind of live in a fantasy world just so I won't have to deal with the real crap.

I see myself changing for the worse. I feel as though I can't stop it. I really hate the person I'm becoming. I just want to be myself and stop changing for people. I do that quite a lot. I turn into the person that I think they want me to be. But that's where I'm wrong. I think that they want me to be that person, but it won't be the case. It's all in my head. I realise I do it a lot when I'm around a group of people. When I'm with 1 person I'm fine(ish). Well let's just say that in that case I don't change as much.

I think that's all I need to say for now.. Thanks to anyone who's been trying to help..

And if you've arrived till the end, well I really dunno how you managed to read through this rather depressing blog.

xoxo

After Soul Survivor

I've been meaning to blog after Soul Survivor for ages but I never got round to doing it.. But I'm mega-bored right now so here it is =P

Let's start with SOUL SURVIVOR! Wow.. so amazing! Words can't even describe how amazing those 5 days were. Before I left to go to SS I was like.. Ok when I'm there I'm gonna make the most out of it and really really open up to God. And thank God that I really did open up to Him and seriously just let Him in and told Him everything that was bothering me. During the first main meeting that we had I felt really alive and seeing everyone around me jump around to celebrate God's love just hyped me up even more :)
Now for all of you who are really desperately wanting to feel the Holy Spirit. This is really weird and not make sense, but it happens when you're trying the least. If you're having a huge argument with God in your head because you want to feel Him, it's even harder. God has a time for everything so just let Him plan out everything for you. It might not be your time to feel those things. And like Mike Pivalachi kept saying at Soul Survivor, just because you don't feel the Holy Spirit DOESN'T mean that God doesn't love you!! I was really struggling with this before we went up cos I used to see people around me being slain and I used to literally beg God for me to feel what they were feeling. And after 9 months it happened.. But my point is that it's not just gonna happen with the flick of a finger. So just let God take control of you when He feels is the right time.

Our tent was bloody hilarious! I couldn't have asked for better tent-buddies =P Thanks guys and thanks to Xixa for being an amazing tent leader! Our tent was really messy and it was hilarious when we were all trying to find where all our stuff was xD Haha Chrissy remember when we walked it all the way to the showers then realised we forgot our towels in the tent?! And we had to walk all the way back! Lool that was our first morning xP And splashing in the mud with our wellies :) On our first night me, Paula and Chrissy got MEGA lost! And we were panicking cos we were late! And watching you guys mud-slide! (videos on my facebook :P) Maa guys I really miss everything :( It was such an amazing experience and I became really close with a few people and met some amazing new people =) So thanks everyone :] I LOVE YOUU ALL =D

Life after Soul Survivor has been REALLY busy! I've been waiting for my Summer to get better and now it's happened. So it just goes to show that we really just have to trust God. Cos I know that without His help things would be just like they were. After weeks of being angry at God because of the way things were regarding friends and such, I finally realised what He wanted to tell me through the situation. And thanks to Him I got over my shyness, something that I am really happy that happened.

I regret a few things that happened last week.. Just wanted to say thanks to those who were near me and those who haven't judged me.. At Soul Survivor during one of the meetings Mike Pivalachi said that God forgives us no matter what we do. I know that's true but I'm still having a hard time accepting it. Like on Monday I was saying who am I to be here praising God knowing all the bad things I've done in my past? I felt as though I didn't deserve to be there. While all this was going through my mind, Karla came near me and basically told me everything that I was thinking and said some really encouraging things, so thanks Kai =) And Amy! Thanks so much for everything! Basically thanks to everyone who has been there for me :]

Reef Rhythms is up tomorrow! With our very own Y4J Band :O I can't wait =D I'm praying for you guys! I'm sure you'll be amazing! For those of you giving your testimony, DON'T BE NERVOUS! God will be near you the whole time :D Prayers to you too =)

I think this blog is long enough and I can't think of anything else to blog about xD

God Bless :]
xxxxx

Are you who you want to be?

Heyy guys! 

I know I haven't blogged in ages but I haven't had much to say. Summer's been ok.. The beginning of summer was much better though imo. Plus I haven't been out since last Monday cos of stupid results and bus strike -_- So right now summer's quite boring..

So earlier I was doing some serious thinking. Whenever I'm around people I can never be totally myself. I always hide a part of me. I'm always scared of what others will think. And it REALLY sucks. I really want to be myself but like.. I don't know how or something =S I know that cos of this I'm not living life to the full. I feel as though my life is heading the other way, and not the way I want it to. I'm not who I want to be.. 

Another thing.. I wish I was more confident cos I'm a really shy person. Arghhh being shy is really getting to me. How many times do I miss out on stuff just cos I'm shy? Answer: A LOT! I really need help in becoming more confident =/ Hopefully Soul Survivor will help.. And maybe I'll find people who I can be myself with?

Speaking about Soul Survivor.. Just 22 days left!!!!! =D I can'tttt wait!

I'm being a really big loner lately =S I'm not telling people how I really feel. Including God =/ I really don't know what's gotten over me. I want to open up but for some reason I can't. I feel Him telling me to drop everything and talk to Him but for some reason I'm ignoring it.. I know that I'm not trying my best.. I really seriously have no idea what's wrong with me. I want to find out why I'm acting like this but I can't =S

*realises what a depressing blog this is turning out to be*

I've just had loads on my mind.. I need answers from a lot of people. And till I get those answers I'm gonna keep thinking about the situations and wondering, which kills me. Even if those answers are gonna hurt me, I'll be much happier knowing the truth. It's the only way that I'll move on. Sure, I'll be let down, but we have God no? =) It won't be the end of the world.

If there's anyone out there who thinks of giving up on something or someone, DON'T! Easier said that done, I know. Happens to me all the time.. But when I think about something that happened (or didn't happen) cos I gave up, I promise myself that it won't happen again. You'll end up looking back and regretting it. So for those of you thinking of giving up, just to let you know that you're not alone and it's something that I'm going through right now.. So if anyone ever needs to talk.. =)

On a different note.. I'm really happy cos my books should be arriving any day now =D I haven't read a book in ageess and it's good that I finally have the time to start reading again xD 

A song that really got me thinking:

Gbu guys 

xxxx 

First Blog!

Hey Guys =)

Ok so basically this is my first blog.. ever.. and I'm pretty sure no one is gonna read this but anyway.. I felt like startin a blog =P

I really feel I should talk about last night's meeting. I felt so open to God. I had built a barrier and last night I felt as though I broke that barrier and can now fully listen to Him and grow closer to Him. Thanks to Maria Vadia. God was soo alive in that room guys! It felt so good to just let it out and scream "THANK YOU JESUS!" I went to the meeting feeling alone, and came out feeling God by my side :) It's such an amazing feeling guys!

Exams start this Wednesday and I'm really freaking out. I'm soo behind on my studies. For some reason I'm really distracted =S At least summer starts in 11 days, and I'm really not looking forward to it. Since it's the last summer before o's I have private lessons EVERY DAY! Yes every day! So much for sleeping in.. *sighhh*

Soul Survivor in 56 days =D

Lately I've been quite moody.. So sorry if I snapped at any of you guys. Just a bit confused atm. Shout out to Krissi! Thanks for everything :] And another shout out to Nix and Alana. Thanks so much guysss =)

Anywhooo.. Hope you enjoyed my first ever blog xD I shall leave you to study Macbeth *joyyy*

God Bless =)
Laa x